Naval Boarding

Hello all,

Welcome back to these beautiful, chaotic, and messy shores. I am so happy you’ve taken the time and energy to set sail back here…thank you! Firstly, before we get into this weeks journal, I’d like to apologize for not updating the journal last week. I am currently in school and was on spring break last week and was living the most beautiful experiences with the most amazing and kind-hearted souls. I cannot wait to upload some pictures I took on film here from those experiences.

Now…let’s get into this weeks journal. Over the last two or so years I have done a lot of self discovery, reflection, and growing. I can’t explain how many times I thought I found myself, just to discover I still had (and have) thousands of layers to unwrap and mine through. How many times I felt “content” with the person I was, only to kill him off and restart the process with the idea in mind of “let’s not do that again”…However, during these times I found that the same shark infesting my waters, besides myself, was my trauma. I like to think I’m a pretty self-aware person, I can feel every little minor change from the outside world to my personal inside world. However during this time, what I found to be the most interesting discovery was the fact that I knew I had these traumatizing situations, experiences, and people to personally face and deal with in my private time (therapy, journaling, etc…) but instead, I was letting this trauma control my life rather than letting myself control the trauma. The thing with trauma is it’s very calculated… sure when it’s an event such as a car crash or war, trauma can be a little more easy to comprehend and deal with… but when trauma has a heart and brain and tears, that’s where it’s tricky to navigate through. What I’ve learned in dealing with trauma like this (people) is that you have 99% let yourself die when you’re allowing this to happen. I can’t tell you how many times I was trauma bonded to someone and literally thought “how am I ever gonna live without this person? I can’t even sleep at night without them next to me or texting me”. However when it comes to that 1%, I have personally found it to be the very fine thin line between your heart and your brain, also known as the decision on if you’re living your lifestyle for you or for your handler. Trauma to me is a pothole on your highway. I like to think of it as a pothole on a highway because you’re forced to face it head on, and once you hit it hard enough, you’re gonna want to redirect your course because the thought of hitting another pothole a mile down the highway is too anxiety inducing.

The clouds above my head

Let the raindrops

Fall onto the scars

Of my trauma

So that they may

Grow flowers big enough

To hide the pain.

Thank you all so much for reading this week’s journal. I appreciate you, your time, your heart, and your mind so much. Sail back here next week for more.

With love always,

M.H. John