Healing Power

Hello all,

Thank you so much for sailing back to our chaotic, messy, and beautiful shores…I appreciate you, your heart, and your mind more than I could ever fully express. I hope you are all well, healthy, and happy this week. I, myself, have had a bit of stressful and anxiety ridden week with school, work, and other factors of life. Sometimes when anxiety gets in the way for me, it has a habit of blurring my minds lines, which can make it a little bit more difficult to sort certain situations out one by one to deal with them.

I remember the very first time I experienced anxiety…it was in March of 2018, I was home alone this night and was at the very beginning of some specific emotional journeys that have recently just ended for myself, if I am being honest. I remember lying on my bed in the dark, with my curtains and blinds open, letting the moon and two DW Home candles light up my room with Lana Del Rey playing faintly in the background. Before continuing, I’d like to note that there were a lot of events happening around this time…some of my personal relationships were beyond in limbo, my parents were divorcing, and the life I was so content and comfortable living was slowly deleting me out of it…I was beyond lost. Lying on my bed, my phone goes off. As I began reading these new text messages, I felt this daze wash over my entire body. I felt every limb begin to shake, my eyes were burning, everything was spinning, and my mind felt like it was floating outside of my body. “What the fuck is happening to me right now?” I remember thinking. Before I could even open safari on my phone to google for answers, I found myself sitting on the floor, flooded in tears. If I am honest, this was one of the most absolute darkest times in my life. While sitting on the floor, damn near hyperventilating, my grandpa, who I call Tata, called me. Reluctant to answer the phone because of how emotional I was, I character switch (something I’ve become a pro at) and give the most exciting “Hello?” “Hey Kiddo!” my Tata says, “what are you up to?” I respond, “nothing, just watching a movie”. My Tata then says, “well I just wanted to call and tell you to take care of yourself and I love you”. “Thank you Tata, I love you too”, the phone call ends. As silly as it may seem to say, I believe this phone call saved me this night. What I mean by this, is it reinstalled a sense of hope that I no longer had, there was something about feeling like I was at my lowest at the time and my Tata calling me, to only tell me to take care of myself, that made me believe there is definitely a higher healing power watching over you, me, all of us.

I can feel myself

Being swallowed by the Red Sea,

The salt water fill my eyes

And I can no longer see.

This happens every time,

I am stuck in the whirlpool

Of my own anxiety.

I try to kick my feet, But I only tangle them more

In the seaweed that lies beneath.

Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to surf through my thoughts this week. I appreciate it, and I appreciate you more than you could ever know. Sail back here, to our beautiful, messy, and chaotic shores next week for more! Take care of yourself and I will talk to you soon.

With great love always,

M.H. John