Falsehoods

Hello all,

Welcome back to our beautiful, chaotic, and messy shores. I hope you’re all feeling very much alive, happy, and healthy this week as we seem to finally be transitioning into the solar power of the heat. I, personally, haven’t had very much going on lately other than trying to break myself out of this writer’s block period that I have been stuck in for about two weeks now. What I find most interesting and honestly laughable about this writer’s block period, is that truthfully, I have been feeling a variety of emotions and feelings very much lately…but I can’t exactly figure out how to channel my emotions into words right now. Typically, whenever I feel myself stuck like this, I usually try to do anything, or go anywhere I like to help light the creative fire back under me. However, every small plan I attempted to make for myself this week didn't really go as I thought they would…so, to help push myself back into the creative realm, I decided to go through my notebooks to see if I had any unfinished poems, journal entries, or just simple thoughts. While slowly reading through the pages of my heart and tears of mind, I came across an exercise I did from Rupi Kaur’s self-work and writing workshop book, “Healing Through Words”.

This exercise comes from the section “Breaking”, and is titled “Falsehoods”. Within the exercise, I am asked to write two different paragraphs, the first paragraph is asking me to revise a moment from my life where I lost something and felt convinced I’d never experience anything as great again. Paragraph one for me looks a little something like this…

I was convinced that by now, the pain of you would be washed away and I wouldn’t be stuck, still asking God why I am feeling this way. I try my hardest to be consistent, and pray every day for a sign that we’re meant to be, but I can’t help but to entertain the pain of emotions that wash over me anytime something as small as the color of the leafs remind me of you. In my mind, you are the sea, and I, the shards of glass that tumbles through your violent waves. I am aware of this because much like sea glass, these feelings and emotions I have over you change how I look and feel by the end of the day. Was this in my cards all along? Was this the pathway the universe aligned for me to take?

I wrote this part out when I was 21 years old, although that was only a year ago, I can see how much I’ve evolved from holding the person I was writing about higher than I would hold myself, I can see how I had no sense of direction within me…because I relied so heavy on someone else’s moral compass. I never fully finished this exercise because it asked me to write a second paragraph from the perspective of no longer needing that person in your life to give you such beautiful experiences…and I just couldn't bring myself to live within the technicolor of that image just yet. However, with the headspace I am in now, the amount of peace I have, and seeing how I have some of the most beautiful memories with some of the most people (who aren’t this person), have proven to me that I am finally ready to write from the perspective of no longer needing this individual to enjoy the beauty of life…

I watched the sunrise this morning and realized that I no longer need you to help me see the beauty within this life. Getting ready for nothing much to do, I brew my coffee, still a pot for two, while staring out the window, wondering what lesson I could learn from today. Should I take the time now to pray? Or should I just let myself fall within the silver linings of the sun rays that are shining directly onto the pool floor and take the time to soak and meditate…sending my energy to whichever one of my friends need it the most that day. I could lie in the grass and count the clouds, not realizing how much time has truly passed. Or I could drive to L.A. for the day and talk on the phone to my brother while i’m stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway. Which truthfully, when I am in it, I never complain because the philosophy of life moving so fast and suddenly being stopped with strangers in the same space is beautiful to me. These are just a couple things that I have found to be the most beautifully intricate since you’ve forced me to purge any old skin that is your memory.

It’s very interesting to see the growth that has begun to root in me. A year ago, I never would have imagined myself being so comfortable and accepting with who I am…I’ve literally become my own best friend and I thank God every single day for helping me start this journey of discovering me. I can’t even begin to explain the beautiful experiences that I have given myself, that my friends have given, that my family has given me, and that you have given me. Life truly is so beautiful, and I only had the smallest clue of it before this year…

Thank you so much, from the absolute bottom of my heart, for taking your time and energy to sail the sea’s back to our shores to read this week’s journal…it means the world to me. Please keep yourself safe, healthy, and happy and remember to sail back here throughout the week for more.

With great love always,

M.H. John