Letters From Me
Hello all,
Welcome back to these beautiful, chaotic, and messy shores. Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to sail back here this week, I appreciate it more than you could ever know. I hope you’re all doing well this week, I, myself, have had an interesting week to say the least. I’ve been faced with various life obstacles, but thankfully I have the most amazing people around me to help me clarify any necessary perspectives I may not be able to see from fully. Aside from this however, I closed one chapter this week (that I honestly never even planned on starting) and opened a new one. This is something I have very much been reflecting on lately; starting or closing chapters of my life that I may have never had the intention to. When it comes to starting something new, I am very much open-minded and in a way inspired in the beginning. However, when it’s time to close the same chapter, I honestly have a very hard time letting go of the story that’s entangled in it. About a year ago when I was in therapy this was a topic I continuously kept talking about and my therapist advised me to try writing letters about the situations, people, problems, etc… that I have trouble letting go of. For this weeks journal, I figured I’d share a piece of a letter I penned to someone…
Dear *****,
I remember the first time I ever really felt in love, it was with you. It felt like the beginning of summer, maybe because it was, but the sun rays melted my body away, leaving my heart to be the grains of sand that constantly kept slipping through your hands. After what happened, I found myself lost, staring at the moon, thinking of the conversations we’d always have about how even though we kept far away, we had the same lunar light to lay under at the exact same time every night so that we felt connected to each other in a different type of way. I can still recall every wish you told me, every dream you had, every nightmare that’d keep you awake on the phone with me; both of us reading each other poetry at three or four in the morning until we fell asleep…only I never slept because hearing you breathe over the phone was the only rest I ever needed. It’s been years since you’ve loved me, but for me, it’s only been about six months since I last told myself that I love you. It wasn’t something easy for me to do, in fact, you wouldn’t believe how hard I try to distract myself from any thought of you; I can’t look at the stars or go on late night drives down the highway anymore, because every time I do it seems as if the airwaves align, because they only play your favorite songs and all I can do is wipe the tears from my eyes. I’ve moved around so many times, from so many head spaces to emotions to environments, but none of them gave me the perspective of self-reflect the way you did the night you told me you couldn’t take me back. It opened my eyes, but closed my heart, to the theory I had of you and not being able to fight the secret demons you keep in the dark. I hope you find peace, because I now have, now that I’ve learned that it can only come from within me.
Looking back on this little excerpt from my letter, I can see that I was truly in such a place of hurt, and in a way denial, during the time of writing this. However, what I found to be the most interesting about this letter, was that at the end, I ended it by talking about how I am starting to feel a sense of peace and I can see myself starting to learn that peace can sometimes only come from within ourselves.
Thank you all so, so much for taking your time and energy to read this weeks journal. I appreciate you, your time, your heart, and your mind more than you could ever know. Make sure to keep sailing back here throughout the rest of this week for more! Stay safe, and keep sailing these beautiful waves with me…
With great love always,
M.H. John