Dive into me (and how i’m feeling)…
Hello all,
Welcome back to our beautiful, chaotic, and messy shores. Thank you so much for taking your time and energy to sail these violent waves back here to me…I appreciate it more than I could ever truly express. I hope you’ve been feeling healthy, happy, and peaceful these last couple weeks. It has been a minute since I’ve written my thoughts out for us and I apologize sincerely… life has been a little hectic and a bit all over the place, but I think I’ve finally managed to anchor this moving ship. I always try my best to be as open and honest about myself to you to my best ability because I believe that when I do, it helps reflects the dim pieces of me that I don’t always see in direct sunlight…so I believe that it is only fair we go a little deeper into my mind, where I’m at today, and how I’m feeling (and healing).
I’m going to try my hardest in explaining where I’m at today, but I believe it’d work much better if I just free write…bear with me… My mind has been in a weird mood lately. I’ve always heard of people talk about how they can hear their subconscious voice speak about the things they suppress in the back of their brain and I’ve always believed them, but never experienced it (or acknowledged it I should say) until recently. It’s interesting because in a way, I’ve manipulated myself into thinking I’m further in my healing process than I truly am… and I did that by ignoring this voice. However, this voice truly is always present, it’s just that with me, anytime I’d catch my subconscious opening it’s mouth to speak, I'd take a hit to silence it because I thought it was bringing me peace. Truthfully, I’ve figured out these last few weeks that you can only mask your baggage for a limited time before your problems are right there, smoking you out. Besides this, I have taken a few extra steps in other files of my life to push myself further in my healing process…such as simply just choosing to forgive and forget situations, people, etc… I’ve also been doing little things I love to piece the puzzle of the person I’ve lost in myself back together because I’ve discovered that you don’t have to let yourself completely die…just the versions that aren’t working with you anymore.
Thank you so much for reading this weeks journal, I appreciate you, your time, your mind, and your heart more than you could ever possibly imagine. Make sure to sail these beautiful and chaotic seas back here next week for more…
With great love always,
M.H. John